When You Don’t Know Who You Are, Someone Else Will Decide for You

The Cost of Not Knowing and Expressing Yourself Authentically

If you’re always seeking approval, constantly adjusting to please others, or silently questioning whether you’re “too much” or “not enough,” I believe this will help you to consider the cost of not knowing and expressing yourself authentically. When you’re unclear about who you are; what you value, what you need, and what you believe, you leave space for others to fill in the blanks. And too often, they will. Not with truth, but with their own projections, expectations, and limitations. And before you know it, you’re living someone else’s version of your life. I guarantee you that this will feel like being trapped inside someone else's life or even possibly a cage.

The cycle of people-pleasing, perfectionism and not dealing with past pain will cause you to walk around every day like you are on eggshells, not sure which way to go, how to respond, muting your voice and fearful of making a mistake. Being afraid to disappoint others based on what you were told as a child, the belief systems you've taken on as your own or you focus on doing instead of being mean the real you may be locked up inside of you. That amazing, dynamic, purposed essence of who you are wants to be let out. The mask you are wearing that covers your true identity is not allowing you to fulfill your purpose in peace. You may accomplish things and be really good at it, but you are void of authentic joy.

I remember always being told I was quiet as a child. I really wasn't but it was easy to take on the persona of a quiet person because as a child I thought I was supposed to believe what others said about me. I would always have an internal thought of, "No, I'm not", but I never spoke it out. I think I believed that for a really long time until one day as an adult I thought to myself, wo I am is not matching what I've been told. Of course, as a therapist, I have many moments of quiet as I am a good, attentive listener, and love to hear from others, especially my clients. That was a part of my nature that was preparing me for my purpose, but it is not the whole of who I am. My nature in my personal life is not as a mouse, having other people speak for me, which is what I allowed as a child into my preteen years. What have you been told about yourself, beginning in childhood possibly, that is not accurate to who you really are? How have you allowed yourself to be boxed in to make other people comfortable due to their perception of you?

Revealing your authenticity may make a lot of people or even if just one person wrong, and that may feel like you are disappointing others. Perfectionism will tell you that who you really are is not enough and so you must be committed to acting like someone who doesn't resonate with your soul, because the fear of being who you really are is more terrifying than accepting this mediocre existence. I work with millennial to ensure them with patience and getting the root issues resolved they can be true to who they are and embrace their true worth.

Yes, when we don't get the real you, we get much less than amazing, because that is who you really are.

• Internal confusion that leads to external control